New Year

Wouldn't it be great if we could wipe all our mistakes and blunders and hurts and pains off the board and start fresh?

I remember being appointed to the job of green board washer. Our school had a small janitor's closet in every room, and in ours hung a galvanized pail and a scrap of bath towel. The student appointed would fill the pail with clean water and follow the "eraser" to wipe the boards off with the clean water. The "eraser" would take the felt erasers out onto the sidewalk and bang them together. He would often come back covered with chalk dust. Meanwhile, I would finish the wiping job and empty the pail and wring out the rag and hang it to dry over the bail handle. We would then sit and watch as the board air dried. The dark green would fade and if I had done my job well, there would only be a few very light streaks left of the chalk dust. We would be ready to start the next lesson.

I have a hard time believing that God has let me wash my chalk board. I go through the motions faithfully, confessing and praying, and taking communion. But do I really believe that the slate is clean? I act as if the job was badly done, streaks of chalk showing up as the slate dries off, making it difficult to start the next lesson. That chalk is stubborn; it clings to me and will not be wiped off. Some days it feels as though the board is so covered in erasures and rub-outs that the new writing cannot even be seen, let alone read.

I baptized an infant and this image broke into my mind. I stood at an old woman's bedside as she lay dying and this image broke in. For both the parents and the son at the bedside, I wondered, "Do they sense my ambivalence? Do they understand my weakness?"  Of course, it was not about me, but about them. I prayed that their faith graced them at their time of need, and understood that mine was unnecessary. But when I am on my deathbed, when I am in need of erasure and wiping clean, will I still have doubts? When it  really is all about me will my faith withstand doubt and allow Grace to enter?

It is times like this in my journey that I lay aside faith and embrace Hope.