My neighbor planted his bulbs near the house; because there is a big overhang on my house, I chose to plant mine in the front yard, next to a big boulder. Next door, the daffodils were in full bloom when the spring snowstorm hit us. I had been sad because I had no daffodils, but now mine are in bloom.
I have had a hard time my whole life being covetous. My friends had Norman Rockwell families. I was an Army brat. I had short hair, my schoolmates had Beatles and Stones hairdos. Cars, muscles, money, social skills, adventures, other people have always had what I want. I was resentful, but it never translated into a drive or ambition. Now, as others are having their midlife crises, I am finally happy not to have something. I am now realizing that the internal babble of jealousy flavored my life but never motivated me: I didn't make decisions based on wanting to be like others.
The fineness of the distinction struck me with those daffodils. I wished my bulbs would come up earlier, but I wasn't about to move them. I just forgot for a while that they all would bloom for the same length eventually. I let my envy make me unhappy by focusing on someone else's blessing instead of my own. The 10 Commandments by being proscriptive, tell me to stop but they don't tell me how. The two the Jesus gave, are prescriptive, telling me how to act.
The daffodils have provided me with a clarity. Instead of being jealous, of wishing I had his flowers, I can rejoice in his because I can enjoy them, and rejoice also that I get a double helping, because when his are through blooming, we both still have mine to enjoy.
I have been doing that, without understanding that I was participating in it. I rejoiced with and for Brad at his ordination, beng glad I had a part in advancing it. Ditto with Alicia and Bryan. I have thrilled to Deirdre's becoming a granny, and have admired the physical beauty. I have enjoyed other people's possessing things without jealousy. Seeing others happy can make me happy.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Dark days are in your mind
Why is the day so foreboding? It is within my own expectations and judgments that gloominess arises. The dogs are truly in the moment: "I am tired, I am hungry, I hear a noise, I see a movement, the one I love is home again." Me, I worry about how the one I love sits morosely, I worry about whether I am doing the right thing to accomplish my mission, I worry that I will grow old and ineffectual before I am done.
I woke today before the alarm went off. I lay in bed looking out at a light grey, almost pearly sky and rejoiced in my breathing, luxuriated in warmth and comfort and thanked God for his gift of those things. But as soon as I got up, I started complaining. My back hurt, there was dog hair on my face, the floor was chilly, my day was too full. Oh, and the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and taking my measly retirement plans along with it.
And yet I have been told that I appear to be a cheery person. I really do look for the positive. So there is a dissonance between the person who is "on duty" for others and the dark poet of my privacy. Who is real? Next Sunday is Easter. Am I a Passion Sunday person, like Mel Gibson, or am I a resurrectionist? Ecclesiastes or Mel Brooks? Know thyself, Bob. And don't evangelize until you are sure of what you believe!
I woke today before the alarm went off. I lay in bed looking out at a light grey, almost pearly sky and rejoiced in my breathing, luxuriated in warmth and comfort and thanked God for his gift of those things. But as soon as I got up, I started complaining. My back hurt, there was dog hair on my face, the floor was chilly, my day was too full. Oh, and the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and taking my measly retirement plans along with it.
And yet I have been told that I appear to be a cheery person. I really do look for the positive. So there is a dissonance between the person who is "on duty" for others and the dark poet of my privacy. Who is real? Next Sunday is Easter. Am I a Passion Sunday person, like Mel Gibson, or am I a resurrectionist? Ecclesiastes or Mel Brooks? Know thyself, Bob. And don't evangelize until you are sure of what you believe!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Spring has sprung!
I will soon need a new picture for this Blog. The last of the snow melted under this week's balmy weather, and although it is snowing today, it isn't accumulating. Taxes are almost done, and for the first time in ages, I owe.
As I look inward, I have some doubts. At a meeting today, the men who called the meeting didn't meet my eye. I sat quietly and let them speak, but I wonder if it appeared to them to be a stony silence, or worse, an antagonism. I admit that I took offense at their criticism veiled as a review of the work of our mutual ministry. I also cannot understand what bothers them so much about me. I wish I could understand and give them what they want. Meanwhile, they feel like they are inimical. But on the other hand, is my stony silence so strong and impressive that grown men cannot meet my eye? Hmmmm.
I sing TS Eliot's Lovesong of Alfred J Prufrock:
...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach...
That is how I think of myself, and yet, I am NOT politic, I cannot advise the prince, and I cannot fade away and spend my remaining days on the beach. I can not stand by quietly. I barge in like the Prince's peasant servant, eager to work, unaware of subtleties like tact or planning.
Damn, I wish I were a magician.
As I look inward, I have some doubts. At a meeting today, the men who called the meeting didn't meet my eye. I sat quietly and let them speak, but I wonder if it appeared to them to be a stony silence, or worse, an antagonism. I admit that I took offense at their criticism veiled as a review of the work of our mutual ministry. I also cannot understand what bothers them so much about me. I wish I could understand and give them what they want. Meanwhile, they feel like they are inimical. But on the other hand, is my stony silence so strong and impressive that grown men cannot meet my eye? Hmmmm.
I sing TS Eliot's Lovesong of Alfred J Prufrock:
...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach...
That is how I think of myself, and yet, I am NOT politic, I cannot advise the prince, and I cannot fade away and spend my remaining days on the beach. I can not stand by quietly. I barge in like the Prince's peasant servant, eager to work, unaware of subtleties like tact or planning.
Damn, I wish I were a magician.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
January 24
Spring cleaning on my bedroom. I promised myself I would try to really deeply clean one room a month in the house now that I don't have regular hours. I have not been faithful to that, but today I took the vacuum and dust rag to my room. It needed it badly. The dust and dog hair were bad beyond excuse.
I got a call to come in to Highland. When I got to the patient, the family had already left. Poor guy had died of pneumonia at age 69, died quietly and without much notice, except a note in the chart. The Aide had opened his Bible to Psalm 23. I had comforted the family. I blessed the corpse through the shroud and prayed for his soul to be made welcome, and for comfort of the family. It felt cursory, but when I looked up, the staff had been moved. Bless them for helping me feel adequate.
I got a call to come in to Highland. When I got to the patient, the family had already left. Poor guy had died of pneumonia at age 69, died quietly and without much notice, except a note in the chart. The Aide had opened his Bible to Psalm 23. I had comforted the family. I blessed the corpse through the shroud and prayed for his soul to be made welcome, and for comfort of the family. It felt cursory, but when I looked up, the staff had been moved. Bless them for helping me feel adequate.
January 23
Cephas at Groveland. I did not feel like I contributed to them. They were telling me what I should do when I get home. I'll try to say more on the prison blog.
On the way back, Melody called and told me that I was hired. I start Tuesday at 8AM.
I also spoke to Jeanne-Marie, who told me there is a problem that one of the current chaplains doesn't want to take on-call responsibility between 4 AM and 8AM, and how that is not acceptable. I offered to do it, and she said she knewI would volunteer. But she said no. She said she would call me later when it was resolved, or to resolve it with my help. What ever that means. Hope springs eternal. It never rains but it pours. Serendipity is good for me.
On the way back, Melody called and told me that I was hired. I start Tuesday at 8AM.
I also spoke to Jeanne-Marie, who told me there is a problem that one of the current chaplains doesn't want to take on-call responsibility between 4 AM and 8AM, and how that is not acceptable. I offered to do it, and she said she knewI would volunteer. But she said no. She said she would call me later when it was resolved, or to resolve it with my help. What ever that means. Hope springs eternal. It never rains but it pours. Serendipity is good for me.
January 22
morning of self-care. Studied being lazy, chose not to vacuum or clean.
Area Chaplains' meeting, Eli's wife Leah is gravely ill. I really identified with his responses to our inquiries. He assured us of his network of support, he emphasized his need to regain regularity, he expressed gratitude for our prayers, and went into teaching mode over finding her a new name. I also got a lecture about not being able to fulfill a minyan because I identify as a Christian.
Cephas meeting, Jim repeatedly emphasized my value to the group. I bet Mike said something about my capability as a group leader following the critique that talking about a Rochester house was "false hope" for the men at Groveland. Mark asked me to carry his good wishes to the men there, I agreed to try to establish a connection with Parole through Mike Bell. I also stuck my head into the Vestry meeting and got called on to explain PRAM to them. I felt drained when i got home. When will I be confident and self-assured? Lord, how long must I feel like a dormouse?
Area Chaplains' meeting, Eli's wife Leah is gravely ill. I really identified with his responses to our inquiries. He assured us of his network of support, he emphasized his need to regain regularity, he expressed gratitude for our prayers, and went into teaching mode over finding her a new name. I also got a lecture about not being able to fulfill a minyan because I identify as a Christian.
Cephas meeting, Jim repeatedly emphasized my value to the group. I bet Mike said something about my capability as a group leader following the critique that talking about a Rochester house was "false hope" for the men at Groveland. Mark asked me to carry his good wishes to the men there, I agreed to try to establish a connection with Parole through Mike Bell. I also stuck my head into the Vestry meeting and got called on to explain PRAM to them. I felt drained when i got home. When will I be confident and self-assured? Lord, how long must I feel like a dormouse?
January 21
Houses of Healing at the jail, we discussed being judgemental, of stepping back and "seeing the light bulb inside the lampshade" One guy made the point for me: when he claimed to be able to avoid judging others, and I said I'll check in with him in 60 years, he said "I don't need to wait that long. I KNOW you'll be judging others before then." I laughed and said, "Yes, Mike, you didn't hear me when I said I do it constantly?" And he said, "Well you're not such a good Christian, then!" I saw others get the point.
Delphi Board this afternoon, discussed PTO, I remembered that as I teased Felicia for always being late. C.G.L.M., my feeling of alienation from them, especially from John, was palpable to me. I hope I don't provoke the attitudes I am perceiving. Do they see my lampshade, or my light? Denise was there. I returned to her comment about dealing with my "problem" in regards to my diaconal calling. I am really twitchy about that!
Delphi Board this afternoon, discussed PTO, I remembered that as I teased Felicia for always being late. C.G.L.M., my feeling of alienation from them, especially from John, was palpable to me. I hope I don't provoke the attitudes I am perceiving. Do they see my lampshade, or my light? Denise was there. I returned to her comment about dealing with my "problem" in regards to my diaconal calling. I am really twitchy about that!
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