Spring has sprung!

I will soon need a new picture for this Blog. The last of the snow melted under this week's balmy weather, and although it is snowing today, it isn't accumulating. Taxes are almost done, and for the first time in ages, I owe.

As I look inward, I have some doubts. At a meeting today, the men who called the meeting didn't meet my eye. I sat quietly and let them speak, but I wonder if it appeared to them to be a stony silence, or worse, an antagonism. I admit that I took offense at their criticism veiled as a review of the work of our mutual ministry. I also cannot understand what bothers them so much about me. I wish I could understand and give them what they want. Meanwhile, they feel like they are inimical. But on the other hand, is my stony silence so strong and impressive that grown men cannot meet my eye? Hmmmm.


I sing TS Eliot's Lovesong of Alfred J Prufrock:
...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,

Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach...

That is how I think of myself, and yet, I am NOT politic, I cannot advise the prince, and I cannot fade away and spend my remaining days on the beach. I can not stand by quietly. I barge in like the Prince's peasant servant, eager to work, unaware of subtleties like tact or planning.

Damn, I wish I were a magician.

January 24

Spring cleaning on my bedroom. I promised myself I would try to really deeply clean one room a month in the house now that I don't have regular hours. I have not been faithful to that, but today I took the vacuum and dust rag to my room. It needed it badly. The dust and dog hair were bad beyond excuse.

I got a call to come in to Highland. When I got to the patient, the family had already left. Poor guy had died of pneumonia at age 69, died quietly and without much notice, except a note in the chart. The Aide had opened his Bible to Psalm 23. I had comforted the family. I blessed the corpse through the shroud and prayed for his soul to be made welcome, and for comfort of the family. It felt cursory, but when I looked up, the staff had been moved. Bless them for helping me feel adequate.

January 23

Cephas at Groveland. I did not feel like I contributed to them. They were telling me what I should do when I get home. I'll try to say more on the prison blog.

On the way back, Melody called and told me that I was hired. I start Tuesday at 8AM.

I also spoke to Jeanne-Marie, who told me there is a problem that one of the current chaplains doesn't want to take on-call responsibility between 4 AM and 8AM, and how that is not acceptable. I offered to do it, and she said she knewI would volunteer. But she said no. She said she would call me later when it was resolved, or to resolve it with my help. What ever that means. Hope springs eternal. It never rains but it pours. Serendipity is good for me.

January 22

morning of self-care. Studied being lazy, chose not to vacuum or clean.

Area Chaplains' meeting, Eli's wife Leah is gravely ill. I really identified with his responses to our inquiries. He assured us of his network of support, he emphasized his need to regain regularity, he expressed gratitude for our prayers, and went into teaching mode over finding her a new name. I also got a lecture about not being able to fulfill a minyan because I identify as a Christian.

Cephas meeting, Jim repeatedly emphasized my value to the group. I bet Mike said something about my capability as a group leader following the critique that talking about a Rochester house was "false hope" for the men at Groveland. Mark asked me to carry his good wishes to the men there, I agreed to try to establish a connection with Parole through Mike Bell. I also stuck my head into the Vestry meeting and got called on to explain PRAM to them. I felt drained when i got home. When will I be confident and self-assured? Lord, how long must I feel like a dormouse?

January 21

Houses of Healing at the jail, we discussed being judgemental, of stepping back and "seeing the light bulb inside the lampshade" One guy made the point for me: when he claimed to be able to avoid judging others, and I said I'll check in with him in 60 years, he said "I don't need to wait that long. I KNOW you'll be judging others before then." I laughed and said, "Yes, Mike, you didn't hear me when I said I do it constantly?" And he said, "Well you're not such a good Christian, then!" I saw others get the point.
Delphi Board this afternoon, discussed PTO, I remembered that as I teased Felicia for always being late. C.G.L.M., my feeling of alienation from them, especially from John, was palpable to me. I hope I don't provoke the attitudes I am perceiving. Do they see my lampshade, or my light? Denise was there. I returned to her comment about dealing with my "problem" in regards to my diaconal calling. I am really twitchy about that!

January 20

I had an appointment with Robin. She invited Bill. It was to investigate a complaint against me by the charge nurse in Highland's ICU that I had bulled my way into the unit during Rounds. Robin is unaware of the geography of the ICU. She was on site when it happened December 29th. She and I were "running" the memorial service for a young doctor in the Bariatrics unit who succumbed to cancer. I got paged out to get SOS for a patient. The Padre and I were turned back. Family had come in with us, and it got confrontational. I mostly remember the nurse saying "The unit secretary should not have let you in. She's new and doesn't know what she's doing." I am sure my anger was obvious, both for NOT being treated as a co-worker, and in defense of the secretary. But I had reported it to Robin, so I was confident that I had done well. To have this meeting, three weeks later, shook my confidence. And to have Bill there perturbed me. Angel is his student; she should have been there too. Why is she so standoffish to me, to the point of not being in on something a supervisor in training should learn???

Not my problem. I used the opportunity to tell them about the job interview with Melody Bogdon.

January 19

Obviously, I am going to have to get used to daily journaling. It has been too long since I sat here.

CP's mom Dorothy went in for her new knee on Monday, a week ago. All went well, and we visited. Bonnie Tyo was in the elevator and we struck up a conversation. Charles is the PT rector of Mt Morris for the last 4 years. He left the ACEM as soon as the rules changed. Dorothy went to Episcopal Church Home for rehab. She'll be there for three weeks, I guess. Connie and Toni are keeping the home fires burning.

I used a nasal spray Thursday night and came down with a sinus infection that has laid me low. The dog hair in my bedroom is getting pretty thick, so I suppose the dust mites are, too. Meanwhile, in my mind instead of in my head....

Camille is the Cephas volunteer from Buffalo. She is a chaplain at the Sisters Hospital, I think. Somehow, I get the feeling she doesn't approve of me. She goes to Attica for Cephas and "fills in" at Groveland. Maybe it's just her mannerisms. She is very reserved. Our session on Friday was superficial. We all realized that. She vocalized it. Oh, well. We each do our individual best.

Called Dad and he didn't reveal until halfway through that Cara had flown up to visit. Is she well-to-do or desperate? Not my problem. Her last two e-mails have sealed the deal. She asked to be treated as though she didn't exist, and I resisted. Now she will get what she wants. I ache over it, even as I resolve to do it. We are not a close family. Greg and I have the tightest bonds, and they are none too thick. Is it a deficit on the part of all of us? I joked about deciding who will be the family cement now Mom is gone, but she was not very successful, either. I don't think Uncle Dick of Uncle Bruce have heard from any of us in years.

I want to go to Alicia's installation. It would be nice to stop off and stay with Dad when I do. I don't think my car or my calendar could stand the stress, though. I'll talk to CP about it.

While I am on the subject of alienation, Dr. Dan seemed a little odd on Sunday. I am not close to him, but something was distracting him. The annual meeting went well, I thought. He asked me for a year-end report for PRAM and for a new year budget. They are done, but both show a deficit.